Friendship and Dating in France

I'm in Germany this week, but I finally feel like I'm adapting to French friendship and dating.  Last weekend was the best weekend that I've had since I arrived in France - it was the perfect mix of fun with a new person, plus great food (see below) and great conversations with existing friends.

There are some serious adjustments that you have to make when you come to France though.  For example, French men will convey a level of emotion that is just not common with American men . . . unless you're seriously dating or have been friends for a very, very long time.  They will say things like, "You should have known that I will take care of you.  I will always take care of you if I can," or "I don't want to have distance between us" or they will tell you that they care about you and they just want to take care of you until you feel better.  And it's all completely platonic.

They will, however, accuse other French men of liking you . . . for the exact same behavior that they themselves exhibit.😉

At first, this will drive you slightly crazy as an American.  You'll keep reminding yourself that French men are normally VERY obvious if they like you (from what your female French friend told you) and these odd displays of sentiment don't necessarily mean what they would in the US.  You'll occasionally feel slightly put off, like the relationship is bordering on "too much" and wonder if you're going to have to end the friendship.  At some point though, they've stayed safely in the "friend zone" long enough that it just becomes one of those endearing traits of your French male friends.

You'll also learn that French men loathe it when a woman in their life appears to be mad at them or upset with them.  Rather than high-tailing it away from a woman who shows emotion, it seems to launch them into a full campaign to win you back over.  And, for me at least, it's virtually impossible to stay mad at, or upset with, somebody who will not stop acting silly, giving me big puppy dog eyes and calling me "Broooouuuuuk" until they finally get me to smile at them.  I think the only possible way to stay mad at a Frenchman is to refuse to speak to him, look at him or even be in the same room with him.  Otherwise, he will use literally everything that he knows about you to find SOME way to convince you to forgive him.

As for female French friends, my first one moved out of the area for a job, although I plan to visit her in her new town now!  I have a couple of co-workers who may become friends, but people seem to be very cautious here about friendships with colleagues.  Other than that, I've found it more challenging to get women to exchange conversation or to agree to repeated plans.  I did recently find a woman looking to learn better English though, so I've been enjoying our conversations.

This week went exceptionally well for work and I'm visiting friends this weekend, so I'll be back with a German edition next week!  Or not!

The Worst French Stereotype Come to Life

While I've had a few challenges settling in here, I had my worst experience so far last week.  I learned the week prior that all employees are subject to an government employment health exam.  This is similar to the brief exam that I received in the US, but in some ways, much worse.  Since I'm clearly not going to post photos of my exam, I've included some random pictures of life in France.

The first issue is that I work for an American company in France, yet the doctor was incredibly rude about the fact that I don't speak ENOUGH French.  "I don't understand.  How can you work in France and not speak French?  I would have to speak English to work in England."  Well, yes, and I actually agree with the sentiment, which is why I'm working very hard to learn French . . . but, in short, I can work in France when I speak English because this company is owned by Americans.  I didn't say this, but told him instead that I agree I need to learn French, I can read and understand quite a bit of French and I'm working on becoming fluent.

Despite that, it continued throughout my entire exam.  "You think it is ok to live in France and not speak French?  How can you think that's ok?"  Um, I don't.  Again, working on learning French.  In fact, I completed the entire first portion of this exam with your nurse IN FRENCH.  I completed my eye exam IN FRENCH.  And not just understood the questions, but answered in French and read off the numbers and letters in French.  Obviously, I'm not one of those ex-pats who plans to live here for 10 years without ever learning the language.  They do exist here and they're primarily British (from what I've seen), but I have no intention of being one of them.

Security is no joke in France now, but they might want to recruit this doctor into their anti-immigration forces.

Despite the fact that I answered in French to the best of my ability, he continued to complain about the difficulty of having to examine someone who "doesn't speak ANY French."  *eye roll*  I've heard about really rude French people from other Anglos (British, Australian and American), but they were usually Anglos who really hadn't made an effort to learn any French and expected all French people to know English.  I was pretty shocked to still come across an attitude like the doctor's when I'm clearly making an effort to learn the language and use it as much as possible.

Since there was nothing pleasant about this exam, I'll share something that IS pleasant - a different type of chèvre salad where the cheese is whipped.

The second part that was really shocking, from an American viewpoint, is that the doctor has you take of your shirt or dress while they sit there.  They don't leave the room nor give you any sort of sheet or paper to cover yourself with.  They also don't leave you undressed the minimum amount of time possible.  Nope, it's undress and lay on that table.  Keep laying there while I take some notes . . . in winter . . . in a cold room.  Then, complain that the weird deal they hook to a finger and toe to measure your blood flow (artery health) cannot get a reading because your foot is too cold.  "Do you have often have a problem with your feet being cold?" he asks, frowning like this could be a sign of a major health problem.  At that point, I'd had enough and he did get a snippy answer in English, "Not generally, but when I decide to lay around half-naked on a freezing cold table with no sock for an extended period of time, yes, for some STRANGE reason my feet get REALLY cold."  I'm not sure sarcasm translates well.  He did conclude that my big toe was not yet at risk of frost bite, like the others, so he was able to get his measurement on that toe.

At the end of the exam, it was rather unclear to me why you need to be half-naked at all.  He listened to my heart and lungs, both of which were easily accessible without me actually needing my clothes off.  Instead, it is apparently normal in France to lay around half naked while they take your blood pressure, pulse, measure your arterial flow and a handful of other things that could be done fully clothed just so they can listen to your heart and lungs, which apparently requires no top.

And no, I didn't just get a really sketchy doctor - I have been told this is perfectly normal in France.  Doctors also customarily do not leave the room while you undress and nurses usually are not present during the exam, for your "privacy," if I understood correctly.

Nothing like having to get half-naked for a guy who spends most of the time insulting you or implying that he's both surprised that you are quite healthy and has to tack on, "well, yes, you're healthy FOR NOW."  Really?  Your nurse guessed my age at 4-6 years younger than I am and all of your numbers show I'm solidly in good health for my age - in fact, I'd still be in the healthy range if I were nearly 10 years younger.

It's up for debate whether I'm more appalled by this medical exam or the fact that I've had to kill FOUR of these in my house.  FOUR centipedes!

I'm happy that my personal doctor is going to be a woman who speaks English well and doesn't have a serious issue with Anglos who live in France!  As a side note, "B" started texting again out of the blue and has decided that we should still date and he would come visit me this weekend.  Of course, that was before he learned that I was going to a festival with Alexis on Saturday.  That didn't seem to go over well since I wouldn't cancel it for his visit - frankly, I enjoy Alexis' company more and I think it is rude to cancel on a friend.

Fortunately, Thursday's blog is more upbeat since I spent my weekend visiting Cognac with Alexis!  And this time I knew to book a cognac tour and tasting in advance!

Dating a Frenchman - Round One

My friends and family all say I look extremely happy in my pictures in France, which may be what attracted my first French "date," whom I'll just refer to as "B."

Here's a little cultural 101 on dating in France.  As mentioned in a prior blog, a good guy will get to know you before taking you on a date - he'll talk to you at a party, school, work, etc.  If he meets you in public, he'll ask you to go for a walk (in public - nothing creepy).  After talking awhile, if it's going well, he'll invite you for a coffee or drink.  You can do this as often as necessary to be sure that you're interested in each other, but once you KISS, it's assumed you're exclusive and he's your boyfriend.

Now, this seems rather serious WAY too early to an American, but it's really not.  If the kiss isn't that good or the rest of the evening isn't that good or whatever, he won't contact you again (or you ignore him) and "poof" no more boyfriend.  I'm told that, in the early days, a Frenchman will contact you daily and, if he doesn't, it's generally safe to assume you're no longer dating.  The French also don't really "date" per se and, while I've had a couple of guys talk to me or want to "go on a walk," I'm not really sold on the idea that this is how you meet nice French men.  It seems that the most common way to meet one is through your social group, which can be a challenge if you just moved here!

Fortunately, dating is not a big priority for me at the moment.  With working 10-12 hour days and some weekends (the 35 hour work week in France is a myth - sorry to burst your bubble), trying to learn the language, having a bank account and still no pin for my check card, needing to find a permanent unfurnished apartment . . . I have enough to keep me occupied!

Even though "B" is not the right guy for me, I still had fun learning what "dating" a Frenchman can be like.  As I've been told, and now learned for myself, a nice French man will go out of his way to do thoughtful things, like show you the small side street with shell art.

And afterwards, he'll go back to the Vendée Globe village with you and stand in line so you can get the poster you've decided you REALLY want, after telling you that he hates standing in queues.  But first, he'll show you how clever he is by taking you to the other village entrance, so you don't have to queue just to enter!

If you want to go shopping, it's no problem - he'll show you the best stores & the colorful farmers' market.  When you say the city is beautiful, he'll tell you that you're even MORE jolie.  When you say it's a perfect day, he'll tell you, "Oui, parce you are parfait" (Yes, because you are perfect).  The French reputation for being romantic is well-deserved!

It was a fun way to end the weekend, but not the right relationship for various reasons.  I did enjoy stretching the limits of my French though since I can speak more French than he could English (scary thought).  It also made me realize that I know more than I acknowledge and, as long as people speak slowly, I can understand quite a bit now.

Assuming that the change in the political situation in the US (or a similar anti-immigrant change in France) doesn't end my time here, I think I can get used to this!

Since I have almost as many readers/views in France as the US now, feel free to correct me if you believe that I've misrepresented the culture.  Having only lived here a total of four months now, I'm certainly still learning!  Usually when I make generalizations about the culture, it is because I asked a French person (or two or three) about something that happened and they told me it is normal or common for the culture, but I have had them contradict each other too.

 I spent this past weekend in Geneva, so my blog Thursday will be all things Swiss!

Ma visite à La Ville Rose (My Visit to the Rose City - Toulouse)

First off, my last week at work (second week) was dreadful!  While I had a good experience with my French coworkers before, there is one person who is now quite awful.  I've decided to edit this to remove the specifics for now, but suffice it to say that it was incredibly stressful ("not being able to sleep well past 1 AM" levels of stress) and I'm glad it is over!

I really needed a reminder that there were reasons I wanted to live in France, so I went to Toulouse.  I spent the weekend soaking up French culture, speaking only French and eating delicious French food.  Each region has slight differences, like I've seen no chèvre salad on the menu in Toulouse, but I had a dish Sunday that was new for me (pancetta that was like a big ham steak).  To illustrate my point about the little salad with nearly every meal, here is dinner and lunch from the weekend.  I will also note that PB (the GM) thought that Americans calling pomme frites "French fries" was rather funny and yet they serve them with EVERYTHING - burgers to fancy dinners.

I also partake of a local wine once a day when traveling on the weekends.  I had two good, lightly sweet whites this weekend.  The nice thing with a sweet white is it serves as an apéritif, goes with many dinners and is good with dessert!  I can just slowly enjoy the one glass, which suits me better than an apéritif, wine with dinner and wine with dessert (not uncommon here).

It was a sunny, gorgeous day in Toulouse when I arrived.  The city is called the rose city, presumably because of all of the brick?  And maybe the roof colors?  Or the pink columns?  Or pink stone roads?

I headed to see the Basilica of St. Sernin, but it was closed ,either due to the hour or signs about the restoration.  Either way, I saw a street that had shops and cafes, so I headed in that direction.

The thing to understand about French cities is that the walkable shopping area appears to be the social center of every French town I've been to.  Sure, you'll find some overpriced restaurants and other places near tourist sites, but the shopping area is where you'll find the local French in droves on Saturday!  While I've never been a big shopper, I've learned to head to these areas for the social aspect alone.  Here are some scenes from this part of Toulouse on Saturday:

Despite being the second most secular (non-religious) nation in the world, virtually everything is closed on Sunday.  They may not believe in God, but they believe in a day of rest!  Here is the same shopping area on Sunday just before noon:

I have very good luck with festivals when I visit cities; similar to the festival last week in Poitiers, there was an event at the Capitole this weekend in Toulouse!  These appear to be one of the rare times that the French will talk to strangers or share a laugh.  I had a couple of brief exchanges and could have had a French male companion, but I'm not accustomed to how forward they are yet.  Once you're here for some time, you get used to it, but from an American perspective, it's overwhelming.  There's no "playing it cool" in the Frenchman's playbook - it's a full court press!

One of the most intriguing things about France is seeing really old things that only partially survived, but were just incorporated into the new.  I love that these little pieces of history are kept alive, even if the original purpose has been lost.

Since Sundays can be a little dead, I visited the Musée des Augustins.  It was a convent in its former life, yet another example of the French reinventing a space!  I found this sculpture of the woman's face with a veil interesting given France's hard line stance against face coverings now.

I was pleasantly surprised the museum was free since it isn't the first Sunday of the month (when they're virtually all free), but this first view of the cloister gardens was my favorite part!

The work on the church and convent started in 1309 (continuing into the 16th century) and it was clearly impressive in its prime, but you can see signs of the neglect that many religious buildings suffered after the revolution.

One section of the museum incorporated modern art with ancient art in a way that was actually complementary - not the norm here!  The color and presentation were designed by Jorge Pardo, formerly of Cuba (now working in Mexico).

I've realized that I am interested in visiting cities in a different way than before.  There aren't a lot of tourist sites here, but I've instead enjoyed the normal pace of life - walking around and seeing what the city has to offer.  Despite the capitole square being fairly empty, I discovered that the French are not hiding at home on Sunday, but appear to congregate at local parks.  Despite the weather being much drearier than the day before, the French are still outside!

I did notice heavily armed military and police in unusual places until I realized they were near churches.  It's a sad commentary on recent events in France that churches are guarded with heavy weapons during Sunday service.

Wandering down a different street, I came upon the Couvent des Jacobins.  Unlike a " convent," this was for priests.  Nuns seem to have been at abbeys in France.  This place was like many in France, where you appear to be on a normal city street, turn the corner and BAM! historical site just sort of tucked into the block.  In the center photo, you can see original decoration that they uncovered, which shows the sign for alpha and omega on the bricks.  It's rather incredible that anything survived considering Napoleon quartered his soldiers here by adding a floor midway up.

As I explored the free front area, I was horrified to learn that the SKULL of St Thomas Aquinas used to sit in this box.  It's now neatly encased in a golden box where the skull is not out for your viewing "pleasure."

I wrapped up my Sunday with the realization that all roads seem to lead to the Capitole since I kept walking down random roads in different directions, yet found myself back at the Capitole again and again!  The upside was that I noticed people walking inside and went to see for myself.  The capital buildings in France are often historic buildings that retain the beauty and character of a different era, but are usually called the "Hôtel de Ville."  I also read that the building sits where it does because it was the middle of two different parts of the city, as a reminder to its leaders that they equally represented both sections.

I also had to get a quick shot of these mirrors!  They were used in the Stuttgart palace as well - two identical mirrors directly across from each other that give the impression that they continue indefinitely, incidentally making the space appear larger as well.  I tried to get myself out of the picture at first, then gave up - I like how my outfit came together today anyway!  I'm actually loving the whole scarf thing now - the right scarf can take a blah outfit and make it look really lovely.

While I like Civray now and have committed to a 3-5 year role at the plant, I can easily see myself in a city like Toulouse someday.  It doesn't feel as hectic and tense as some French cities I've visited.  I also think it's the right size for me - big enough for a metro, small enough that you don't really need the metro if you don't mind a 15 minute walk.  I like the idea of exploring normal French weekend life in different places and finding the one that suits me best - so far Toulouse is the first where I took this approach, so we'll see what the final conclusion is!  I have plenty of time to decide!

While I did like Toulouse, it won't be *the* city because it's FIVE hours away from Paris by train - I need to be closer to a major International airport, not further away.  Speaking of trains, it is common that a 1st class ticket may be available for just 3-4€ more than 2nd class, so I tried one.  Much bigger seats (since one side is singles), electric outlets at each seat (not common in 2nd class on the TGVs) - my phone was almost dead, so it was worth the price for the power outlet alone!  Unfortunately, after the 2nd stop I had a seat mate with terrible breath who kept yawning - eek!  That is one of the two things that will make dating in France a challenge - there are many more people here who have bad oral hygiene.  The other challenge is that so many of them smoke!

First class seats - I could get used to this

And one last picture for your viewing pleasure - the French will truly put chèvre in nearly anything - including a McDo's (yep, that's what they call it here) wrap.  Admittedly, the curry shrimp one sounds kind of good, but we don't have it locally in the Poitiers area!

Significant Cultural Differences Between France and the US

While I'm sure there are numerous cultural differences between France and the US, one that immediately stands out in a business environment is that it is customary in France to go around in the mornings to greet your co-workers with a "Bonjour" and a hand shake or cheek kiss.  Of course, for us US folks, they just shake our hands and skip the kiss.  It is considered impolite not to do these things actually, so I have joined in with making my morning rounds!

Upon telling my stories about Marseille, I also learned some key differences between dating in the US and France.  While I will not be dating in France, I thought it would be fun to relay some of these differences!  In France, if a man is interested in you (and is not just interested in basically ANYONE), he will not approach you and ask you out right off.  He will strike up a conversation with you first and spend some time talking to you, so the guy who immediately tried to escort me to coffee and kept trying to hold my hand (and did NOT catch the hint that I wasn't interested) probably likes to escort a lot of girls to coffee, if you know what I mean.  The guy who struck up a conversation about photography and what I thought of Marseille prior to asking me to coffee is probably not such a bad guy.

Additionally, the concept that you could be "dating" (as in going out on dates alone) with someone in the US and NOT consider them your boyfriend or girlfriend is not a French concept . . . and at the point where you're kissing, you're DEFINITELY boyfriend and girlfriend.  You do not date more than one person at a time, although I'm told that is changing a bit with the younger generation - but largely just the younger boys will sometimes date more than one girl (girls still date only one person at a time).  Also, if a man is interested in a woman, he contacts her every day - if a French man stops contacting you daily (and you aren't in a long-term relationship already), he's lost interest and you're no longer dating.  While there are men in the US who will do the same, the idea of a guy "playing it cool" and waiting a few days to call or text is not something a French man would do.  Very simply - he likes you, he calls/texts; he doesn't like you anymore, he doesn't call/text again.

And when I say "French men" I literally mean the men.  Women's lib in France has not extended to the concept of women asking men out.  Men here are forward and persistent because it is their job to ask the woman out, to pay for the dates, to be the pursuer and it is not uncommon for women to play hard-to-get a bit.  So, you can't be polite about saying "no thanks" as you might just be looking for a little more persuasion.  You have to be blunt.

I will leave you today with a picture of my MacGyver'd covering of the little fan hole in the bathroom.  It is intended to self-propel I believe, but doesn't.  Normally, I leave it closed, but I *really* needed the house to smell more like a campfire and less like I tried to burn the place down, so a paper towel and, lacking tape, band-aids!  Ta-da!  I may not be able to build a fire, but I can let fresh air in and keep mosquitos out. :-)