Dealing with the Expat Blues

When you're living in a gorgeous country and you like most things about it, it can be difficult to admit or acknowledge when things simply aren't going well.

There are cultural differences between the US and France, but the ones that get you in trouble are the ones that aren't as obvious and you don't know about.  The issue largely happens to me when the same behavior is assumed to have two completely different motivations in the two countries.

Safely on the list of things that do NOT make me want to move - French food

When these things happen, it's easy to miss home.  Obviously, there can be misunderstandings that happen in your home country too, but not usually over things that are normal behavior in your country.  The problem here is when you do something completely normal and somebody is upset about it because, well, it's not normal here.

My natural tendency is to gloss over these things.  Usually, it's small and passing, plus what right do I have to complain?  I'm "living the dream after all" and I moved here voluntarily.  I have a good job, live in a nice (albeit old) home and have even managed to make some friends.

There are still times when it seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong though.  Such as:

• My oral French lesson online made no sense, even though the written lessons are fairly easy.  Am I *ever* going to understand spoken French well?
• My colleague seemed REALLY angry with me about . . . pastries?!?
• My friend had to cancel a trip with me after I'd already paid for a non-refundable hotel room.  
• I couldn't figure out how to pay my first electric bill because my "account balance" online was apparently only the most recent bill and I'd thrown out the original payment slip.  I received mail demanding payment, but still with no clear way to actually PAY.
• My very first brand-new car was custom ordered (this is normal here - you don't really find huge lots full of cars) and the former employee who submitted the order put the wrong color.  I am now driving my custom BLACK car, not blue.  Really a disappointment to have your first brand-new car not ordered correctly!

Ok, so it doesn't look that bad in black . . . black is considered a "distinguished" color here, so I suppose it works for a cadre

While there is nothing major that went wrong, when it feels like many small things are going wrong due to cultural differences, language barriers, etc. it can be tempting to consider packing up and moving back.  Just considering it put me in an even worse mood though.

Since I knew I wasn't ready to return to the US, it was time to deal with the "blues" head-on!  Here's what worked for me:

• I met up with a new French woman and practiced French.  Considering that I spoke no French at the end of 2015 and have only had 21 hours of formal lessons, I focused on how much I have learned and can understand now.
• I spent time with French friends, which helped remind me of the many things that I love about living here (and about the future plans I've already made)
• I went for a nice long walk in my town.  Over an hour of enjoying the sun and really looking at the various little houses, shops, gardens and other lovely things in the area helped! This is the source of the photos here!
• I spent time catching up with US friends also - strangely, it helps me feel more settled in my life here when I maintain my connections with the people I love back in the US
• Since I love seeing new places and learning about them, I looked at my list of places I'd like to travel to in Europe and neighboring areas.  There are at least 3 years worth of countries that will be much easier and cheaper to see if I live here - that's good motivation to stay for me!
• I had a good conversation with my colleague about what was really going on - pesky cultural differences as it turned out.  It's really easy to assume that "you did X, so it means Y" when it actually means Z because I'm American or because he's French.  The same behavior cannot be assumed to have the same motivations or same meaning when you take it out of the cultural context.  It's an interesting learning experience for sure.

These are some of the same things that worked for me the last time - get some exercise, focus on the positive things about living in France, socialize with friends in both countries and cut myself (and the French) some slack when it comes to language and culture issues.  If you're also an Expat who is having a low moment, I hope these same ideas may work for you!

Homesick and Co-hosting a Birthday Party in France

The last couple of weeks have been a little rough for me.  I missed my first major family holiday (Thanksgiving) and it was especially difficult to see the photos and realize that I'm missing out on all of these moments.  I'm also missing all of my niece's "firsts" since she was just one month old when I left.  I know my nephews and niece won't really remember these years when they're older, but could I really live here beyond 3 to 4 years?  Could I be happy as the aunt/sister/daughter/friend who only shows up once or twice a year?  I'm not sure I can answer that yet.

What made it worse was having PB tell me that I always have to be here for year-end inventory and I won't ever get to go home for Christmas (before I arrived, I'd been told I always had to take the week of Christmas off for the plant shutdown, so this was an unpleasant surprise).😢  Fortunately, he reversed course a little when he realized that I was upset about this - while I do need to be here for the year-end inventory, in 2017 I could still fly out on Saturday, the 23rd, and be home for Christmas.  The same would be true in other years as well, so he told me that he's certain that we can work something out.

The other thing that suddenly started bothering me was just acknowledging that I'm living in a country where I have no family and no long-term, really close friends.  I have friends here now, but I think it would feel like more of an obligation if I needed their help with something serious (say, a 2 AM hospital visit), whereas I have friends in the US who would WANT to be there if I really needed them (and I'd similarly want to be there for them).  In other words, I have friends here who'd help me move, but not help me move bodies. 😉

I know my blog probably seems mostly positive because I truly do love France, but I've come across a few ex-pat blogs now and it's pretty consistent that we all have tough times.  

I've been lucky to avoid the bureaucratic issues mostly, although nobody seems to be able to figure out HOW to get me a social number.  I've also been fortunate to make a few friends quickly, but you just don't replace friendships of years, or decades, so easily.  Given that, I view occasional homesickness as normal . . . but I'm glad it passed again for now!

Co-Hosting a French Birthday Party
On another topic, Alexis and I had a tough time trying to decide what to do for L’américaine's birthday.  Should we bring flowers, a good cheese and champagne to the festival?  But then what would she do with them all day?  Maybe we could buy her something at the festival?  We wandered off alone a couple of times to look around, but we couldn't decide on anything specific to buy for her since everyone pretty much bought what they really wanted on the spot.

We finally decided that we should host a dinner party for her (and I requested the same main dish he'd made for me).  Since L’américaine and Alexis are neighbors, it was more convenient to have it at his house.  With the long hours that I often work, we decided that it made more sense for him to do the main dish.  He also wanted to do the apéritif, which I thought just meant alcohol, so I offered to manage the entrée, dessert and flowers.  It turns out an apéritif can be more than just a few chips or peanuts with your drink, it can be a lot of small bread pieces with different toppings, so we skipped a separate entrée.  With just dessert and flowers, I felt like I was getting off pretty easy, especially since the birthday celebration had been my idea, but Alexis insisted that it was "his pleasure."

I showed up 30 minutes early to help get everything ready and had a minor moment of embarrassment because I was showing Alexis my temporary Carte de Sejour and he immediately noticed and asked about my "divorced" status.  I hadn't really thought about it being on my card when I showed it to him nor had I realized that he didn't already know I'm divorced.  I wasn't quite sure what to say about it other than to confirm that yes, I am indeed a divorcée.  Fortunately, L’américaine showed up then and I was spared having to decide if I was required to provide any further explanation.

Overall, the dinner went well, although with champagne to start and pineau with dinner (which is stronger than wine), the conversation became rather lively as the evening went on!  It also went a little late for a work night, but I didn't realize until the following day that I'd left Alexis with all of the cleaning as well!  😔  

It is funny that there are so many things about French culture that seem foreign to us that L’Américaine and I still ask some of the same questions of new French people, like, "Is it really true that if a guy smiles at you and you smile back, he will assume you're interested?"  The answer has consistently been "yes," but as Americans, we smile back just to be polite.  It's a real learning curve to discover that simple things like this can lead to a misunderstanding!  It's so unbelievable for us that we've had to ask four different French people if this is ACTUALLY true.

It's also entertaining to watch a French person's reaction to learning that it is perfectly acceptable in the US to go on a first date on Friday night, kiss the guy, and go out with a different guy on Saturday and kiss him too . . . and neither guy would assume he was your boyfriend!  Not that all US guys would like this or all women do it, but if you want to watch a French person's eyebrows raise up nearly into their hairline, explain this little bit of American dating etiquette to them. 😂  Or that you can do whatever you want with other people until you actually discuss your dating status.  There's nothing so simple as "we kissed, so we're exclusive" in the US!

Sadly, Alexis is now gone for the next couple of weeks, so I was "forced" to expand my social circle even more by meeting up with EX-PATS!  More on this in my next blog.

Bonus Post: Counting My Blessings

I found a New Zealand woman's blog about moving to France six years ago and I can relate, in so many ways, to the various struggles she had.  She's still here six years later though, so I have faith that I can survive too!

I'm not going to sugar-coat it - there are tough moments.  The moments when you can't figure out how something works and the instructions are all in French.  The moments when a waiter babbles something at you in VERY fast French and it is outside of the list of things that you readily understand, so you stand, head slightly tilted to one side hoping your brain will slowly process it and come up with a reasonable suggestion as to the meaning.  The moments when your brain doesn't offer a solution, so you sit and a very annoyed waiter comes back and gestures at the other section of (full) tables.  Am I supposed to move there?  Clearly, I can't because they're full?  Ok, I'll leave and try somewhere else?

There are also little moments of victory when a question is asked outside the basic range and you DO understand.  The times you realize that you don't understand the whole menu, but you understand enough to order a full meal that you'll enjoy.  The moment you realize you're reading a sign or pamphlet and you understand enough to make out the general message, if not every word.

While things may not be perfect here for me, the other blog and various ex-pat boards have made me aware that many people moving to France have to deal with several other problems that I will avoid because of how my company handled my transfer.  So, the list of things related to my relocation that I am grateful for right now:

• My work permit was processed in a week, and I was assured that it would arrive at the Consulate before my appointment, because I had immigration attorneys in France who made calls and handled everything.  They'll also escort me to the prefecture to ensure there are no issues getting my residence permit and no "language barriers," which is apparently a common problem with the government staff who issue the permits.  In contrast, I will note that the speed of the French government ended the day I arrived - my visa expires in December, but they have no appointments until FEBRUARY!!!
  
• The General Manager (GM) {aka PB} of the plant has been really proactive about helping me to get my social insurance number.  Originally, we were told that I couldn't have one until my prefecture appointment (they'd still be taking the taxes from my check), but he asked our HR person to call back and I will be issued my number for temporary use until I get my Carte Vitale at the appointment.  If they hadn't found a solution, he was going to go with me on walk-in day to see if he could impress upon the government that they were hurting a French company by not resolving this.
• While I only have a few suitcases of my own things now, my company provided a 20' container and everything that I really, really wanted to bring is on the way and will arrive in December.  It's hard to be without certain things now, but it would have been much harder if I could only bring what I could afford to ship.
• For things it didn't make sense to bring (awkward shapes, electrical 110 volt devices), I was given an allowance to replace them.  It's really nice that my company didn't make this move a financial hardship for me.  Let's just hope all of the manuals aren't only in French!  I'm going to be in serious trouble if I can't make myself some coffee.
  
• While my base pay is lower due to the leased car I picked out, I had the pleasure of designing my own car online with the features that I really wanted (back-up assist, GPS, cruise control, fog lights).  This also saved me the hassle of negotiating my own deal and it includes insurance and maintenance, which would have been a challenge to obtain myself in French.  Work also arranged for a temporary rental car until mine arrives - this is close to what I'll be driving, but mine will be blue and I'll have the 4-door "business" model.  It's honestly the closest thing I could find to my Fit, which I love.
  
• On the work front, I'm also lucky (for the most part).  Last week was much better than the week before!  Also, PB has asked HQ to ensure I'm included in the corporate training for managers next year.  It's great to know I have a lot of career support, not just in Portland, but locally as well.